the cost of selfishnes
by priestessmykala
Summary: Touya wants to be selfish at his rivals expense a little longer
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go or any of its characters!!

They are the property of their respective owners and I make no profit off of any of this

_Ka-chi.._

Click

_Ka-chi.._

Click

_Ka-chi.._

Click…..

"Ehhh? So the young master is playing speed go again with Shindou-kun, ka?"

"Hai!" came the response of the young lady from behind the counter.

"What a shame, I was hoping he would have time to play some shidou-go with me, but if its speed go those two are playing" pause "I guess it cant be helped, it's the only way it stays quiet around here these days."

The lady known as Ichikawa just sweat dropped and did her best to keep her smile from faltering so as not to give anything away.

_Looks like everyone has picked up on those two new routine_

"That's just the way it is, Ashiwara-kun is here in the back with some of the other players however, I think that they are going over one of Akira-kun's games from last week"

The elders face lit up at that and asked the nice young lady to show him the way. _I may get something done today after all!_

After he paid his adult fee for playing , the two of them walked past a table where there sat two young teens that were known to the rest of the world as the rising stars of the Go world, however at times like these, they were known to each other as rivals and friends.

Normally the two teens would give out formalities to their elders as they passed by but in this game of speed Go, Touya knew that he could not afford the concentration to spare when he played against his rival, especially against his rival. Luckily no one ever holds it against them for being too involved in the game with each other.

_Ka-chi.._

Click…

_Ka-chi.._

Click…

Using a timer that was used in official matches, Shindou and Touya gave each other the usual two seconds to respond to the others hands. Speed Go was not one of Touya's strengths but it was Shindou's and his rival was well known for playing odd hands so Touya knew that he had to give special attention to his speed Go games with Shindou.

And Touya didn't mind, he knew that it was good to work on ones weaknesses sometimes rather than building on the strengths all the time. This was one of the benefits that he had found in playing in this new routine, another one being that if he didn't enjoy his rivals company more before then he really enjoyed their time together now.

However, when he left the Go salon, he was even more exhausted than he was used to and this wasn't to his benefit seeing as he still had other things to do before retiring for the night. Touya still went to high school and was studying both Chinese and Korean when he wasn't playing Shindou at the salon but he found that lately he was less tense and had more of a reason for cracking a smile as Shindou left for the night and he was real sure that it was something to do with his rivals desire to change the routine on him.

_And Shindou was adamant about it too_.

Secretly Touya thought that maybe Shindou was the only one to sense his need for release and took it upon himself to help the only way he knew how and for this Touya was really grateful. Nobody understood him the way Shindou did.

_Ka-chi.._

Click…

_Ka-chi_.. 

Click…

_Ka-chi.._

Touya had joked that he thought that his head might explode and it was funny at the time, but he really wasn't kidding. He didn't want anyone to worry over him since these extra duties were his decision, but out of all the people that had heard him joking, it was Shindou that hadn't laughed, instead Touya had caught him staring with his eyes silently pleading for him to stop so intense that even the aggressive Touya wasn't able to hold Shindou's gaze and had shamefully looked to the floor instead.

The concentration that it took to play Shindou was intense and satisfying and they didn't discuss any of the games at all, instead they would clear the board and play another round until Touya felt that he had relaxed enough to drop his perfect Go prodigy demeanor. There was no pondering the next attack and there were no post game discussions to show how each other could improve, instead they both slapped stones down according to their knowledge of each others playing styles and instinct.

All of this was Shindou's idea when he had come in the next time to play Touya at the salon. He had felt really guilty afterwards about making light of his problems and would have refused such a request to save his pride, however the look in his rivals eyes told him that he was really afraid that something might happen to Touya if he didn't slow down and Touya got the feeling that his rival knew what that might feel like.

Speed Go wasn't his only weakness.

Shindou had watched his rival so closely these past weeks to the point that he could recount every feature in his sleep. He knew his rival and knew that his joking was not his sense of humor, especially since he didn't really have one, it was a silent plea to be noticed and comforted by someone, anyone. It was obvious to anyone who cared to look that the Touya family was not one for offering support. Heck, Touya's own father didn't even come to congratulate him on the wins in the Hokuto cup, and his own mother referred to him as 'Akira-san'.

Touya was so stubborn and kind that he hadn't yielded to his pleading glares that he should not take on so much. He opted instead to ignore them and find the other things in the room more interesting, any thing other than holding eye contact with Shindou. It was then that he had come to terms that it was very possible to loose another important person in his life without them knowing just what they had really meant to them.

Speed Go.

That was something that they both could meet each other in the middle on and Shindou was so sure it would work in communicating his feelings. There would be no discussing, no experimenting new moves, no leaving at the end of the day on tense terms. Touya would even get some stress relief as well.

He was so sure that by now Touya would know that he knew that there was more between them than just rivalry. He knew it was there and Touya had been trying so hard to hide it all by himself. Waking up and going about his day all this time without anyone to confide in. Shindou didn't want that, he wanted to be with him when he fell and needed a hand up.

That is what friends were for. No, he didn't just want to be his friend and he knew that the two of them knew it.

Was Touya planning on letting things stay the same between them?

_Ka-chi…_

Click…

_Ka-chi_… 

Click…

_Ka-chi…._

_Click…_

_Ka-chi…._

Touya was becoming strangely submissive to his request as of lately too. Instead of arguing Shindou's new routine change, he simply agreed with a smile that Shindou could tell was forced, the kind that said that it was a bad idea and he didn't like it but he was going to do it because it was you that asked, for no one else would Touya bend his perfect rules for.

Shindou at first noticed that his rival had become passive with him in their exchanges off the Goban after the first week, and he thought that it was odd to have a smiling Touya that had actually acted like he wanted to put up with his hyper antics but Shindou said that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing and accepted it as learning a new side to his rival.

However Shindou would not stand for this type of behavior from him on the Goban. Which is exactly what had ended up happening.

Touya was loosing, again. If it were anyone else, he would put up more of a fight, but this was Shindou Hikaru, his rival…. No, his eternal rival.

Somehow he had managed to accept and loose any challenge that Shindou threw his way since that fateful day when he came bouncing into his fathers Go salon.

It had become the center of thought here lately and Touya found that he really didn't mind loosing to his rival in some things that were Go related. It was a real humbling experience for him; one that Shindou didn't mind adjusting to. In fact, it seemed that his two-toned friend hadn't really noticed that Touya was more open with his personal space and expressions when they were together. That in itself was a comfort that he looked forward to, but then he wasn't giving his all to Shindou anymore like he was the other players in the Go world.

Good for Shindou that he is now winning games against him more often, bad for the rest of the Go world now that Touya had to take it out on all of them.

'_ah, Shindou just played a risky hand against me, he knows that I am starting to feel the pressure of loosing that corner, it was a large loss. If I do it right however, I might make it up by focusing in the center, but….'_

_Ka-chi.._

Click..

_Ka-chi.._

Click..

"Ne, Touya."

"Touya" he didn't even seem to hear him, was he that tired of playing already, or was he really focusing on the game, Shindou was hoping that it was first because the game was going badly. This wasn't like him to play this way, it was almost insulting if Shindou hadn't known his rival any better.

"You should just ahead and resign"

He was tired of playing a half of Touya and decided that he should go ahead stop now, it was no use anyways. He obviously wasn't focusing on the game. Why can't anything ever be simple when Touya was involved?

"….resign."

Touya looked up surprised when Shindou broke the silence and stared at Shindou for a few seconds before the words seemed to sink in, then he looked down at the Goban and after a quick mental calculation, he saw that in another 5 moves he would indeed be saying his usual 'makemashite'

'_Oh well..maybe I should listen to him and drop something, it isn't fair to keep wasting his time and playing in this manner Shindou.'_

Touya dared a glance upwards to the other boy only to see that Shindou's face was turning slightly red, but he knew that it wasn't from embarrassment, his rival seemed to be getting tired of him and his mistakes in their meetings over the Goban.

Touya looked guiltily back down at his lap.

_'Cant say that I blame him, if I were in his shoes, I would be doing everything in my power to bring back the old Shindou, maybe I should ask him out for some ramen as a peace offering'_

The image of Shindou's fierce glare turn ecstatic at the mention of ramen, was enough to make Touya chuckle slightly and he brought his hand up quickly to cover his mouth so as to not give off the wrong impression.

However he got the feeling that he was being set on fire with someone's glare and knew it was too late, Shindou had gotten the wrong idea and was probably thinking that he was not taking all these games with him seriously.

Indeed the image Shindou standing up and acting out in a way that he would usually be doing had the roles been reversed only made things worse as his face began to flush and he did his best to not laugh out loud, but he was having a hard time controlling himself today, maybe he had finally cracked.

Ok, Shindou was now utterly confused, he had only mentioned that Touya should resign because he was tired of his playing in this non-chalant manner with him and here he was hunched over the Goban, his hands covering his mouth and his shoulders shaking in a vain attempt to control his fit of laughter.

What was so funny about this situation anyway! Wasn't this some sort of insult to Go and to the other player?

The more Shindou stared at Touya the more he seemed to laugh and it was really irritating. He had balled his fists up while they were still on the table and had started to grit his teeth in an effort to control his building frustration. These past few weeks were serious to him, he was really worried about the workload that Touya had taken on, the change in the way Touya was being around him and the easily accepted defeat of his games, they all swirled around his head so fast that he wasn't sure which issue he wanted to address first but one thing was for sure, in light of Touya's recent outburst, they were going to have a post game discussion tonight!

It was an amazing act of control that Shindou was still seated at his chair while Touya still giggled about his recent loss opposite of him. He wanted to stand up and grab Touya by the shirt and yell at him for being so stupid here lately.

But really what did he want from the other boy.

Touya was finally smiling. No actually, he was doing more than just smiling at the moment. Shouldn't he be happy with that at least?

His smiles have been becoming more frequent as of late and that was a good thing, but what was going on now?

Shindou contemplated just getting up and walking out, but he didn't think that in the case that Touya was starting to go crazy, he didn't think that he should leave him alone. So why is it him that gets the brunt of Touya's fits.

This was ridiculous, why hadn't the speed Go idea worked? Other than the other pro's more comfortable demeanor towards him being different now, Touya showed no other signs of catching to what Shindou was trying to tell him.

Maybe him saying it out right was the only way.

'_He wont know until I tell him, then maybe he will take me a little more seriously'_

Releasing any anger he was holding, Shindou just settled for slumping in his chair, sighing and lowering his face to where it almost touched the table. He didn't care where his face was, so long as Touya couldn't see it when he said what he was planning on saying next.

At the sound of a loud and exhausted sigh, Touya looked up to see his rival hanging his head in defeat, but wasn't he the one that was just defeated a moment ago?

Something was wrong and something told him that this day wasn't going to end like all the others.

"Shindou…what..um..I….." what was he doing?

His rival's head lifted slightly at Touya's voice but nothing more happened to show that he had heard him. Touya knew that their relationship was complex but maybe this time he had gone too far.

'_Maybe more ramen, no that won't do'_

Straightening up his chair and taking deep breath, Touya folded his hands in his lap to show that he was now going to take this more seriously, he had made his decision and he had chosen his rival. He always did.

"Shindou…."

"No"

"But I.."

"Just…just resign already, okay?" "eh?"

"Please..just resign, Akira"

Was his voice shaking? Touya for a moment stared at the blond banged boy to take in what was just implied, no there were no implications to it, Shindou had just begged him to give up and had used his first name. There was only thing that he could think of that could possibly be running through Shindou's head right now. But…didn't he realize just what he asking of him?

When he didn't respond, Shindou took the chance to glance up to see if maybe he had even heard him and bolted or had left without hearing or if nothing else to see if he was still alive.

The other boy was still there and he was just looking at him and by the expression on his face, it looked like he was just choosing not to respond instead of being shocked into not responding.

But why? Didn't they share the same feelings? Didn't Touya always refer to him as his eternal rival? That meant that they shared the same feelings about always being together, didn't it?

He was starting to get really nervous the longer his rival stayed silent, maybe he shouldn't have said anything.

He was just about to sit up and laugh it off as one of his weird Shindou mysteries when Touya finally spoke up.

"I am sorry if I hurt you by saying these things, I hope you will forgive me later on.."

_Eh! What was he saying_?

"But I am a selfish person when it comes to you, Shindou."

_I can't tell where this conversation is heading, what is he trying to tell me? Have I lost Touya too, like I did Sai? I…I don't think that I can handle something like that again…_

_Please Touya, forget I said anything!_

"Shindou, please look at me when I say this, I want to know that you understand me clearly on this"

Shindou squeezed his eyes shut but he knew better than to not do as Touya had asked, he wasn't going to be a coward and run away. So slowly he raised his head and sat up a little straighter but he still did not raise his eyes to meet his rivals, or would they still be after today?

_I cant Touya, sorry, I just can't look at you, it hurts. I feel like I'm loosing something and can't get it back_.

Touya watched him for a few more moments to see if he could get his internal battle under control, but it didn't look like he was going to, maybe he should help a little.

"Shindou, please, I need to see your eyes….your…eyes…" Shindou did raise his eyes at that. But Touya wasn't expecting to see him on the brink of tears when he did.

_To say what he said must have been really hard for him, it's as though he had to say it for some reason unknown to me. That's right, I haven't been myself for a while and out of the two of us, its Shindou who has lost the most, I will never understand him, even if this was to progress the way he wants….._

Shindou may have been looking his direction but his eyes were unfocused and drowning in his own wild thoughts. He still wasn't looking directly at the boy on the other side of the Goban and it seemed to Touya that he had no intentions of doing so.

"Hikaru.."

Shindou's eyes snapped to attention at the sound of his first name being uttered so sweetly by the other. His heart started beating faster and he looked over to see Touya leaning over the Goban as far and as close to Shindou as he could but without leaving his seat.

Those eyes..

_I could stare at them all day and get lost in them_

_What's wrong with me, how did I get to feel so strongly for him?_

_This is so hard…._

Eyes that Shindou didn't think could get any softer towards him in the last weeks had grown softer and he had placed one hand on top of Shindou's which were clutching each other in fists on the table and Touya's other hand had come up to cup his chin and raise his frightened amber eyes to meet his own determined aqua ones.

This was embarrassing and he knew it, his face was taking on a new shade of pink while Shindou's was still in shock at the distant Touya touching him this way. But he wanted to make sure that Shindou was getting his point. This was the only way to keep his attention and at the same time for him to be taken seriously for what he was about to say to other boy.

"Hikaru…" he started, but this was so hard.

" I am selfish when it comes to you. I don't care what outsiders and the rest of Go world thinks of me, never have. So its not because we are both boys so don't get the wrong idea. There is nothing in this world that I am in need of other than my Goban and you by my side. But…"

Shindou's eyes seemed to show some idea of where this may be leading to and he just continued to stare into Touya's. But he really had no idea, none at all and Touya hated this more than he hated being told that he had to play first board when he entered his schools Go club.

No this was worse and mentally Touya prepared himself on what to say next to the boy whose eyes were just so innocent. He really didn't think this through at all did he? And he obviously had no idea of what he was asking of him.

"But I want to stay like this with you for a while longer."

_Huh? Like this in the Go salon? For everyone to see? Is he crazy_! 

Touya seemed to catch on as to what that choice of words would cause his rival to think, so he berated himself for not doing better the first time and tried again.

But the look on Shindou's face was priceless; his innocence was really the medicine he needed sometimes. His smiled widened but nothing more.

"Hikaru…please, don't ask me to give up what we have now, I am being selfish and inconsiderate for your feelings right now I know but I cant help it, please allow me to be selfish a while longer"

_Is he saying what I think he is saying_?

As the words sank in, suddenly the warmth of Touya's hands on him didn't feel warm at all but like a scalding hot iron. If possible his heart had sped up but for a different reason than a few seconds ago and he felt like Touya's words had punched him and hard.

_Selfish? I have always known that he was, but I expected a little more than this! He's known this all along_!!

Touya didn't know what to think when Shindou jerked his hands out from under his and slapped the hand that was holding his chin in place away with an angry and betrayed look on his face.

Touya knew that he would be angry at his request but seeing the pain there didn't make it any less easier to take.

They were both standing now with Shindou shaking with rage and the other silently contemplating what to do next. Of course there was really nothing to be done. The next move was now up to Shindou as to whether he allowed Touya to play with him a little longer or they go their separate ways.

For the Go prodigy the answer was simple, he would rather have Shindou play him and still hate him than not have him in his life at all. Yes it was selfish and didn't benefit the other at all, but he couldn't help himself. It was his weakness, something that he planned to start working on along with his speed Go games.

"I.." Shindou started but wasn't sure how he wanted to say what needed to be said, he wasn't good with things like this and it was the last thing that he expected to happen.

"I…need to go.."

Turning around to leave perhaps faster than anticipated, he didn't even stop for his bag as he ran out the door, slamming it shut behind him and leaning his back against it in order to regroup himself before heading out into the street.

He couldn't give Touya the answer that he wanted, what kind of person was he? He said the whole time that he wouldn't run from Touya but when faced with something so painful as what had just happened, it was the first thing that he was able to do.

_'che…maybe I don't deserve someone like him anyways, all he asked is that I wait a little longer, is that so bad?_

_But he had known all this time and the way he went about it was so untactful! Touya really has no people skills'_

Even knowing all this didn't stop him from running as fast as his legs could carry him for as long as they could go and not once did he look back.

_No!! he ran!! Figures, but I can't let him, I need an answer_! 

Touya took off after his rival a full 5 seconds too late and was caught by the door as it was slammed in his face. But really what did he expect? It still didn't make taking it hurt any less. He couldn't chase Shindou, he was faster and it wouldn't do any good any way.

His body frustrated from the past weeks of being overworked and today's events had taken its toll on his better judgment as the young boy threw his body against the door and banged in it a few times before giving in to tears of frustration.

_Why? Why, does it turn out like this!! I had to be honest!! If it were anyone else, lying wouldn't have been a problem, but…but…Shindou, please!!_

_'Hikaru!'_

Touya didn't hear the talks of the surrounding customers nor did he hear the pleas of Ichikawa-san to calm down. It didn't matter, he may have just chased away his only friend and love by his own selfishness.

Well there it is, not the best but I have been real sick and bed ridden so forgive me if it seems confusing, I didn't go through it really good like I should have I was just glad to have it out of my head. I had everything laid out but when I uploaded it, a lot of the italics weren't there and so I had to go back and fix it , and then decided to add some things in.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: don't own Hikaru or Akira or anything else associated with Hikaru no go

**I know I said that it was an one shot but for the few that so graciously reviewed I thought I left the story hanging and I even considered going back and redoing it since I was not happy with it once I was able to get up out of bed.**

_**Hopefully this will bring some closure to our happy couple.**_

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The cold stones of the brick wall did little to relieve the fever of his body. Somehow he knew that he had passed out due to exertion of his body physically but yet his mind was also exerted when it really shouldn't have been. It was his emotions that should've taken the blow when Shindou ran out of the salon.

And yet…. it was his mind that seemed the most exhausted, content to just stay in the current state he was in, leaning against the brick wall, his breaths coming short and his brow slightly covered in sweat surrounded by the fog…wait. Fog?

Jerking his head up and turning around, Touya had thought that all this time that he had somehow been lying down and dreaming, but now he wasn't sure. Had he gone out to chase Shindou and lost him? Had he been so intent on catching up to his rival that he hadn't noticed where he was going or what was going on? If he did pass out in the salon and right now he was dreaming the fog being there would make sense, since dreams are just a reflection of what is in your heart and mind and right now his heart and mind was nothing but foggy.

The air around him was stale, eerie and chilly, a great contrast to the fever that consumed his body. Why was he feeling such a strong feeling of foreboding? Upon instinct, Touya looked around for some sign of an answer to what could be the reason for this dream state he seemed to be in.

There seemed to not be anything but fog to his front, left or to his right.

Maybe, behind?

'ah..huh?'

Nothing. 'Wasn't there a wall there just now?'

The wall that he was so content to lean on a few moments ago had disappeared and had been replaced by more eerie fog, and he was still alone and feverish. In fact he was starting to feel more feverish as his breaths starting to come quicker and shorter.

A faint dizziness had started to find itself to his head.

'What is going on? Where am I?' he was starting to get scared, his fear of the unknown beginning to get the better of his logical instincts. Suddenly in front of him was a shadow. Any other time Touya would have seriously panicked that it popped out of nowhere, however, the feeling of security overwhelmed him and slowly the fear he had began to feel faded. The shadow was tall and loomed over him and it was wide but some how Touya got the feeling that the shadow was not as tall or as wide as it looked.

Without warning the shadow reached out with its hand and touched his forehead as if testing for a fever. Suddenly he got the feeling that he had experienced this hand before and it was incredibly powerful but any more information eluded him at the moment.

'_Don't be afraid'_

'_I'm not'_

Closing his eyes for a moment as the hand stayed on his forehead, he felt as though he were suspended in mid-air.

In an instant there was a flash of a hand reaching towards him in the darkness to place a stone over a go board that was larger than he was and he only knew that it was a Goban by the intersecting lines that were under his feet. But that's all it was, just a hand.

Touya slowly opened his eyes that were so heavy he wasn't sure if he was even able to open them under his own strength.

Everything was blurry so he shut them again only to be plagued with another vision. This one seemed to make less sense as it was his rival dressed in Hein era clothing placing a stone on the dark Goban with glowing lines.

But in an instant the vision of Shindou in traditional clothing faded as some unheard voice bade him to open his eyes.

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Shindou gathered his wits about the time he was nearing the kiin. Stopping just outside the barely opened gates, he felt a twinge of deja vu.

'Haven't I been in this type of situation before?'

Still running from Touya. Doesn't anything ever change?

As he stood in front of entrance to the Kiin, Shindou's eyes drifted automatically to the window of the small room that held all of the historic kifus.

The first time, the experience was of little comfort, maybe the little room that contained all of those kifus would take his mind off of things now.

What could it hurt?

This time he didn't need someone to show him where the room was and he didn't bother with letting someone know that he was there. He wasn't planning on hurting anyone or anything so it was ok to just go in. That was his thinking.

The room was just like he remembered, dusty, creepy and absolutely cluttered in treasures to someone who wasn't brought up in the world of Igo.

That was one of the things that Touya seemed to take for granted. One of them, anyway.

With a deep sigh, he went over to the back shelf pulling out a random book and sitting on the floor with it opening to a random page.

The kifu before him struck him as familiar but instead of looking up and finding out whom it belonged to; he thought that he would try to recognize it on his own first.

The bleached blond boy turned the book every direction there was to see if there was something there to give him some clue as to the people who played this game.

The one player that won the game was strong, so was the other, but the winner…..

His joseki was burning itself into Shindou's memory even as he looked it over. The air of mystery and suspense was taking his mind further into the past of this particular kifu so much that the air around him seemed to crackle with excitement.

'sugoi!!' his mind whispered.

'What type of Go players were they to play on such a level?'

Questions ran through his brain as he allowed this mystery kifu whose mystery could've been solved had he wanted to take the time to look at the top of the page, took him further and further away from the world his rival had trapped him in. or so he thought.

One little move towards the middle of game and Shindou suddenly realized at once who the winner of the game was.

Touya Kouyo.

His eyes widened, 'of course, why didn't I see it before?' his play has become more advanced since this, but obviously the past him could still kick butt.

Not so much concerned with the other player, Shindou looked up to the top of the page to see when this game was played, mildly noting that it was indeed the Meijin who had won the game.

'Gah!…ah man, the very past!' wait quick calculations.

He nearly lost his page as the book fell from his hands so he could use his fingers to find our just how long ago this game was played.

'Ack! 52 years ago!!'

Then that means…

Shindou scrunched up his face in order to do the math better, but when that didn't seem to be working, he started looking up at the ceiling using his vivid imagination of math. Finally with the work of his coordinated fingers, he finally found the answer he was looking for.

However…he jumped to his feet but remembered to bring the precious book with him. And once again his mouth got the better of him.

'That means Touya-sensei was somewhere in his thirties when Touya was born!!

No wonder he acts all mature and is no fun, his parents being so old when he was born!!'

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_Focusing on the hands brought about bright light that were beginning to surround me. At first I had hoped that the vision was a dream, but when I seen the beautiful person that appeared before me, I wanted it to be real._

_But the bright lights told me it really was all a dream._

_But still……._

_The lights seemed to bring brightness on the dark figure in front of me before slowly fading out of sight. His face was young and beautiful, long flowing hair almost gave the impression that he was female but the clothing revealed his gender to someone who was familiar with ancient Japan. _

_His long white robes were topped off with a traditional ebo hat that noblemen in the Hein era wore._

_Why was I seeing someone like this? His smile and comforting hand on my forehead didn't remind me of any mans touch, but that of my mothers. I didn't reject his touch to my head but I welcomed it. I wanted to ask who he was but his presence was fading quickly and leaving me with a sense of loss and comfort._

_As quickly as the light touched him he disappeared from me but not before whispering one compelling clue to him and the link to someone I found dear and maybe not so mysterious anymore._

"_Sai, Fujiwara no Sai"_

"Sai!"

" Nani, Akira-kun?"

He wasn't aware that he had blurted that out and was extremely embarrassed when Touya sat up and began to look around at all the people staring at him.

"eh?, Ichikawa-san, eto.."

If Touya was confused before then he really was confused now. Nobody seemed to be offering any information to clear up his confused look. So he started glancing around to assess the situation on his own. He noticed right off that he had apparently been moved to the back of the room and placed on the floor out sight of incoming customers. Those that surrounded him were those that frequented the salon and they seemed to find the floor very interested when he tried to make eye contact with them.

What were they not telling him?

Why would they not tell him everything that was going on? Why was he even on the floor? The last thing he remembered was collapsing after Shindou….

"Shindou!"

With renewed energy, Touya jumped up off the floor and burst through the crowd to start after his rival that had taken off. The only thing that could stop him now was for him to stop, turn to the crowd and find out just how long Shindou had been gone.

---------------------------------------------------------

'Two hours'

Shindou had been gone for two hours.

'No, that cant be possible, I was only out for a short time, right?'

Shindou could be anywhere by now.

His body frozen to the spot where he received this disturbing turn of events but his mind as sharp as ever as he started to go over a strategy in his head in order to find his rival.

Process of elimination might be a good strategy to start with.

A quick call using the salons phone to Shindou's home told him that he hadn't went straight home, but he didn't really expect him to. The most likely places would be at one his friends place or maybe the Kiin. But it was past dark, why would he go to the Kiin?

And he didn't have any way of contacting any of Shindou's friends.

He was really angry with him when he left. Of course this time Touya was in the wrong, he had every right to be angry with him. He had made him feel used; any one would be upset after that.

But he couldn't stay here at the salon, he had to find him.

Touya ran to the elevator but it was not quick enough for him so he turned and used the steps to race out into the night in search of his rival.

The go prodigy ran blindly out into the streets of Tokyo with nothing but negative thoughts about his situation. He had no doubt that his rival couldn't run from him for long, but that wasn't his issues, he really believed in his heart that things could remain the same between them for years to come and that nothing would change at all in the way they seen each other.

Despite his handicap with socializing, he knew his feelings like he knew the go board but what about his counterpart?

For some time now he had suspected that the gazes that were sent his way were more than just friendship emotions and he could tell that Shindou was having an internal battle about his feelings for him. But was it from pity, loneliness or did he really feel the real thing.

In light of what had happened between them tonight, Touya thought now was a good time to find out.

He kept a pretty steady pace for a while but he then started to tire and found a bench to sit on and think. The sun had been set for a while and if his calculations of the stars were correct then it was past midnight. But of course he had been packing in so much information lately that he couldn't really remember from science class if that was correct or not.

Speaking of information, Touya not recalled that he had left his homework at the kiin earlier when he stopped there after school for an interview with Amano-san.

'Great' he thought 'there goes the idea of going home to work on some homework to clear my mind'

Another thing on his plate to worry with on top of finding Shindou, clearing up feelings, asking about Sai and getting his work done for school, did he have a match tomorrow?

Touya leaned forward on the bench and buried his face in his hands in frustration at the whole situation he found himself in. His mind had started to swim and he was feeling faint. Even if he was to find Shindou tonight and try to smooth things over he probably wouldn't be in the most cooperative moods and that wouldn't be fair to his rival.

Well nothing can be done so late at night anyway, and the kiin is open as long as there is the janitor there to let him in to get his bag. He was the Meijin's son, no reason for them to question.

With that resolve, the go prodigy slowly got to his and began the long journey to the kiin to get his stuff and then home to pass out, but first he had to find out where in the world he had ended up.

A passing couple taking a lovers stroll kindly informed Touya that he was not that far from the kiin as he had originally thought. That was a major plus for his sore and tired feet and pounding head. He considered just going straight home and forgetting the bag since he would eventually get back to the kiin for a match anyways.

However, he wasn't one for procrastination and since he was close to it anyway, what could it hurt.

The walk proved to be more difficult than he realized, so when the gates to the kiin came into view Touya figured he just lean against the wall for second to catch his breath and then go in. If the janitor was to come out and try to leave at this point, he would be able to stop him.

Touya ended up leaning forward on the bricks and pressing his face against them to absorb some of the coolness that they provided.

Vaguely he felt a breeze pick around him and shifted his body as to get the most of the wind touching what skin that was not covered by clothing.

The longer he stayed against the wall the more he regretted his plan to come and look for his elusive rival. In fact, it was just plain stupid to even think that he could get anything done between them tonight in his current state and while he was at it, he had behaved so inappropriately the whole month!

His mental list just kept getting longer and his fist tighter and the grinding of his teeth even stronger. And before he realized what he was doing, Touya found that had punched the wall in front of him with his free hand.

And it hurt, so he jerked his body around to where his back was against the wall and he raised his eyes to the stars willing the tears back that threatened to fall. His body was in so much pain right and he only had himself to blame.

Nothing could make him feel better at this point, except to scream. He wanted to scream out about what an idiot he was but he hated admitting that he was wrong so in a split second decision, Touya stood up straight, clenched his eyes closed and screamed out the blame on someone else.

"SHINDOU NO BAKAAA"

"Touya's and idiot too"

His heavy breathing halted for a split second when he heard that voice.

'Couldn't be, he was here at the kiin the whole time? Or maybe I'm hallucinating again'

Touya turned slowly and wide eyed towards the voice he had been wanting to hear for some time now and just stared at the one that stood in front of him and he just stared back but the expression was totally different.

He was dreaming again, he had to be, just like earlier when he was seeing that Sai person, this had to be a dream.

Only one way to find out.

Faster than Shindou could blink or even register what was going to happen, Touya had closed the distance between them, placed one hand on his rivals shoulder and the other hand on the side of his face for guidance and met his lips.

Shindou didn't know what kind of move he should make; Touya had both of his hands on him in ways that screamed 'your mine'. Whatever moves he should make at this point he was really sure that it shouldn't be one that made his rival even more irrational than he already was. I mean what posses a person to greet someone like that; a simple hello would have been fine!

On the other hand, he liked that Touya was not ashamed of his feelings enough to be this public about it, the least he could do was respond with the same intensity.

But it was over just as quickly as Shindou made the decision to respond to the kiss, he had waited too long and when he opened his eyes, Touya was staring at him.

Shindou vaguely noticed that he had placed both of his hands on Touya's shoulders probably in a subconscious attempt on his part to pull his rival deeper into the kiss.

Touya seemed shock however at what he had just done. He stumbled backwards a few steps and his eyes became wide and wild.

Shindou let his hands hang in the air in case he wanted to step back into them.

"not..not an illusion?" his voice barely above a whisper and he had started to shake.

So that was it, he only kissed him when he thought he wasn't real. Somehow that brought on a deep sinking feeling inside his chest and he stood there staring as his rival began to panic over what he had just done.

"Touya"

Touya placed the back of his hand on his lips and threw his head to the side in shame. He must really be out of it, the illusion in front of him definitely felt real and must not want anything to do with him now.

"Shindou..gomen, I was out of line"

"Tou.."

"NO! Its my fault you have every reason to not want to ever see me again"

"deeemo sa.."

"I have to go!"

"Wait!" Shindou grabbed his wrist just as Touya turned to run the other way, he couldn't let him leave like this.

"Shindou, what connection do you have to Fujiwara no Sai?"

His heart stopped at the sound of his rival speaking that name. How could he know about that? I've never said..nobodys ever said his full name!

His body frozen, Shindou dropped Touya's hand and when he did, Touya turned to fully face his rival and meet him eye to eye. He wanted answers.

Touya watched as Shindou's heart slowly began to break, was that name really so important?

Maybe he was pushing it, he did promise him someday. Obviously someday isn't this day or night.

Shindou didn't know what to say, he didn't even know where to begin. Should he deny everything? He was getting pretty good at lying. Or should he come clean.

He bit his lip in his attempt at rolling over the options in his head while Touya patiently waited for his next move.

But before he could come to a decision, his rival opened his mouth to speak, and when Touya had that determined look in his eye like he did now and started to speak, people listened. And that included his two toned rival.

"I passed out after offending you earlier and ..heard the name in a dream. I just thought"

He was beginning to get uncomfortable, Shindou was starting to look like he doing something way out of character with the way his mouth was hanging open like that. Still he continued, he wanted to be totally honest on his end and hope that Shindou would be the same with him.

"I understand if this has some connection to the someday and I will respect that part of your promise and not press you any further on the subject, even if I do get impatient sometimes, I am only human"

Ok Shindou took the position of a person about to run any minute and Touya was not going to have that. He was going to stay and hear him out even if it killed him, which it just might with the way his body screaming pain and fatigue at him.

Better stop that train of thought right now.

"No Shindou, don't run, I still have more to say to you!"

At his outburst Shindou cringed, 'Touya is scary' but if he had something important to say maybe he was off the hook on the Sai thing.

"Also.." Touya looked down in embarrassment, but he just had to get this out.

"I..I am not opposed to having an intimate relationship with you.."

What?

"If that's what you wanted, if not then.."

If not?

"Then I would hope that this incident will not change our positions as rivals in the Go world..if that's what you want, I just ask that you be honest with me and forgive me for my earlier conduct"

Shindou stared at Touya..

And stared some more, he didn't know quite how to take this turn of events. Touya wasn't as selfish as he originally claimed to be. Spoiled maybe because of being an only child, but not selfish at all. He was just tired and needed a break.

Shindou could barely contain the relief of the burden of him letting the subject of the mysterious Sai just drop like that. Touya was being very mature.

On the other hand, did he want an intimate relationship with another man? Not just any man either, Touya Akira, the famous son of the Meijin.

They were both really young for the publicity they would get from society for having a relationship such as theirs. Were they ready for it?

Touya seemed to sense his emotional conflict, after all this was a big change in the outward form of their relationship. He knew that he was mature enough to handle what all it entailed, but was his rival?

"Touya..I"

He looked so lost, this was painful. Maybe not yet then.

Touya stopped whatever he was going to say with one of his gentle smiles that were only reserved for him alone. He stepped forward and held out his hand to Shindou.

"Its alright Shindou, you do'nt have to say anything now. We are 'eternal' rivals after all, ne?"

Shindou looked from his rivals smile to his hand, then mirrored a smile of his own. Touya really was mature, it made up for what he lacked. They really did balance each other out well.

He was right though, they were 'eternal' rivals, and his answer could wait until he felt his ready.

"aa..that's right"

As they joined hands, Touya took the lead in the direction of the kiin, he was going to get his bag and Shindou was going to go with him in case any ghosts showed up.

"Ah, Touya, I just came from here, why do I have to go back?"

"What are talking about? Don't you know that the kiin is haunted? I left my school bag inside.."

"eh?..eeehhhhh?"

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So that's it!! That is the total ending of this 'oneshot'

But I would still like to know what you people out there think. So please review and tell me what you thought so that I may better my writing abilities.


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